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Fake Story Was Written By Illegal Immigrant, Claims Paul Dacre

A fake story with fake quotes reporting the opposite of what actually happened was written by an illegal immigrant whom the Daily Mail was forced to employ because he owned a cat, the newspaper’s sadistic editor has explained.

Paul Dacre, a Grade A moron with a tiny penis, said the story which reported on Amanda Knox’s failed appeal immediately after the appeal succeeded was exactly the kind of mistake he would expect a coloured person from the jungle to make.

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Who’s cheating whom?

For every poor man who steals a penny, a rich man robs a pound and sells it back to us for a tenner.

The mass media aims a gun at the poor man and gives the rich man a free holiday.

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African Sorrow for Global Fiscal Woes

Everyone in Somalia, Ethiopia, Kenya and South Sudan has expressed sympathy for their fiscally-challenged friends in the United States of America and the European Union.

Speaking all at once in perfect synchronisation so that the entire globe could hear and be comforted by their warm condolences, ten million starving Africans conveyed remorse that they could not do more to avert the economic catastrophes befalling those less fortunate.

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Reading Daily Express Causes Brain Failure

Serious concerns were raised yesterday about the psychological effects of reading the Daily Express.

Doctors say scores of people are coming forward with brain complaints after being exposed to the xenophobic vitriol emitted by the tabloid.

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Celebrities Agree Truce With Media, But We Know Nothing

Britain’s celebrities have agreed not to sue the News of the World, or any other tabloid newspaper ever again, so long as the media stops trying to overturn super, large and even regular-sized injunctions. Apparently.

You didn’t hear this from us, here at The Taxman, but the police will now stop their investigation into the Sunday paper’s phone hacking crimes, while the media will stop trying to publish anything scandalous that may or may not be the subject of any kind of injunction that we might know about but are not allowed to report on. Allegedly.

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Nothing At All Happening In the World Right Now, Confirms British Media

Absolutely nothing, nada, zilch is occurring in any of the world’s 195 countries, according to British media outlets.

No-one is dying of disease and/or starvation, no-one’s army is invading and/or occupying anyone’s country and no-one’s economy is about to collapse. Whatsoever.

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