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Christina Aguilera: Lotus

I remember the last time I reviewed a Christina Aguilera album. The year was 2006, and life was great.

No-one cared about the deficit, no-one was complaining about bankers being greedy and no-one thought Christina Aguilera was fat.

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“Savile Should Have Been Stopped,” Says Osborne

Chancellor George Osborne had said it was “Britain’s shame” that Jimmy Savile was never stopped from ruining people’s lives.

The former Top Of The Pops viewer has been allowed to attack young people for two-and-a-half years despite being such an obviously crooked, depraved creep.

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Eleven Thousand Home Office Staff Missing In Dover

About 11,227 staff from a government department are missing, presumed dead.

The Home Office employees are believed to have undertaken a 68.4-mile mass migration across London and Kent earlier today, but have not been seen since.

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We need people in tailored suits, not tracksuits

I’ll admit, I wasn’t looking forward to covering London 2012. The only sport I play is golf, and prior to last month I’d never been beyond Zone 2 on the tube. But it’s actually not so bad out in the East End.

The Olympic venues are nice and spacious, with lots of spare seats for me to put my feet up on. It’s easy to get around in a car by driving in the special Olympic lanes for just £130 a time. And this morning I was rung up by my mate Boris Johnson who said he wanted to give me 250 all-access tickets as a “thank you” for getting him re-elected.

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Tits Plot Revenge Against The Sun

Rupert Murdoch’s News International has become embroiled in yet another scandal after it emerged that The Sun‘s Page 3 girls have fake thoughts.

Ignorant, reactionary and closed-minded remarks inserted within round speech bubbles above the tanned, topless bodies of sexually virile young women featured each day on the first inside facing page of Murdoch’s flagship British publication are in fact manufactured by the paper’s editorial management under the direction of Murdoch himself, the models allege.

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iPaedo Will Change The Way We Abuse Children, Claims Apple

Tech giant Apple has said its brand-spanking new device, the iPaedo, will revolutionise its ability to abuse children.

At the big opening of the firm’s latest must-have gadget, chief executive Tim Cook described the portable sex toy as a master “stroke” that would enable Apple to dominate the market in human rights violation for years to come.

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Assad Don’t Kill People, Drones Do

US President Barack Obama launched a vicious verbal assault on his Syrian counterpart today amid claims that Bashar al-Assad was now killing people at a faster rate than American drones.

The totalitarian dictator slammed Assad’s bodycount as “meagre” and pointed toward his own record of slaughtering hundreds of children with flying robots.

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