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Laziness Levels Getting Lazier

Laziness levels in Britain have risen to a 16-year high.

More than 2.6 million people of working age are now sitting on their fat arses at home watching Deal Or No Deal while eating ice cream, the Office for National Statistics has confirmed.

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Obama Joins Liberal Democrats

US President Barack Obama has been unveiled as the newest member of the Liberal Democrat Party.

Obama told the party’s annual conference that he was greatly impressed with the way they had caved in to the ruling neo-cons since they gained power and hoped he could swap notes with leader Nick Clegg.

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Cameron Asks Clegg To Resign

Prime Minister David Cameron has marked the coalition’s first anniversary with a request for his deputy Nick Clegg to resign.

The shocking move comes just days after the Conservative Party triumphed over the Liberal Democrats with a resounding victory in the referendum on voting reform.

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Back To the Eighties

Duran Duran are at number one, everyone’s got shit haircuts and corporation tax is getting slashed, George Osborne has announced.

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Students To Be Assaulted By Ministers Daily

University students in England and Wales will have to endure a daily beating by ministers, the government has announced.

The compulsory assaults will be targeted at vulnerable areas of the body such as the head, abdomen and groin, with the aim to gradually wear down the student until they are hospitalised.

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Clegg’s “Sorrow” for Cuts Abuse Victims

Nick Clegg says he is deeply sorry for the public spending scandal that has hit his party this year, but has vowed to continue increasing unemployment and spreading Aids around the world because “it is the right thing to do”.

Speaking at the Liberal Democrat conference in Liverpool, the defiant Deputy Prime Minister said that the government’s public sector cuts were “regrettable” but “entirely necessary” if the coalition was to succeed in ridding Britain of homosexual sin.

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