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Government Strike Multi-Quadrillion Pound Deal With Devil

The British government has moved to ease credit-flow problems in Hell by handing Satan £666,000,000,000,000 (666 trillion) in cash, with a further £6,000,000,000,000,000 (six quadrillion) available by postal order.

The much-anticipated pact with the Devil is an attempt to ease the unprecedented liquidity crisis in Hell’s molten melting-pots.


Police Lock-up Civil Liberty, Throw Away Key

The Metropolitan Police today arrested our civil liberties, took them to a jail cell, threw away the key, spat in their food and mocked them while they were still within earshot.


Transport Secretary To Humanely Kill Billions Of People

Transport secretary Ruth Kelly has announced a humane programme of genocide.

It follows last week’s announcement of a third runway at Heathrow Airport, which cemented Britain’s indefensible hypocrisy and set an historical precedent that will ensure the deaths of billions of people this century from the effects of man-made climate change.


Tony Blair Mauled By Pitbull Terrier

A Pitbull Terrier fatally mauled Tony Blair on his return to Britain from holiday in Florida, yesterday afternoon.

The incident occurred as Blair stepped off his plane at Heathrow Airport. According to airport staff, the dog ‘came out of nowhere’ and ‘seemed somewhat hungry’.


Osama Bin Laden Gives Himself Up

Osama Bin Laden, the world’s most wanted man, was captured last night by allied forces in Afghanistan.

The steadfast leader of Al-Qaeda gave himself up citing concerns that Britain was intent on replacing its Trident nuclear weapons programme.


Parole Officer Dismayed At Prisoner’s Refusal To Reoffend

A car thief has stunned his parole officer and the prison service by refusing to commit any more criminal acts upon his release from jail.

Liam Banes has, according to parole officer Dick Jones, walked right on past dozens of insufficiently secured parked cars and not even paused to consider hot-wiring them.


Fashion Victim Cautioned for Wearing Sunglasses On Overcast Day

A bin man has been cautioned by a local council for wearing sunglasses on a murky and overcast autumn day.

The caution came after a local resident made a complaint to his local council regarding the refuse lorry operative’s appearance.

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