The British government has moved to ease credit-flow problems in Hell by handing Satan £666,000,000,000,000 (666 trillion) in cash, with a further £6,000,000,000,000,000 (six quadrillion) available by postal order.

The Metropolitan Police today arrested our civil liberties, took them to a jail cell, threw away the key, spat in their food and mocked them while they were still within earshot.

Transport secretary Ruth Kelly has announced a humane programme of genocide.

A Pitbull Terrier fatally mauled Tony Blair on his return to Britain from holiday in Florida, yesterday afternoon.

Osama Bin Laden, the world’s most wanted man, was captured last night by allied forces in Afghanistan.

A car thief has stunned his parole officer and the prison service by refusing to commit any more criminal acts upon his release from jail.

A bin man has been cautioned by a local council for wearing sunglasses on a murky and overcast autumn day.