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War On Peace

Nato forces in Afghanistan say their next military invasion – after they have finished crushing the Taliban sometime in 2073 – will involve storming the headquarters of the Oxford English Dictionary and amalgamating the words ‘war’ and ‘peace’ into one single, bloody entry.

The operation will involve killing everyone in sight including passers-by who happen to get in the way, while urinating on any survivors.

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Mugabe ‘Not Evil Enough’

World leaders have hit out at Zimbabwe tyrant Robert Mugabe for not quite being evil enough to do anything about.

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Police Lock-up Civil Liberty, Throw Away Key

The Metropolitan Police today arrested our civil liberties, took them to a jail cell, threw away the key, spat in their food and mocked them while they were still within earshot.

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Torch-Snatching To Become Olympic Sport

A brand new event will be debuted at this years’ Olympic Games in Beijing, the International Olympic Committee (IOC) have announced, following an unprecedented wave of popularity across the globe for snatching torches.

‘Torch-snatching’ involves celebrities carrying a lit torch through streets while being chased by hundreds of competitors all attempting to extinguish the flame. The gold medallist will be the first athlete both to snatch the torch and extinguish it.

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British National Party Leader Apologises For Abolishing Slavery

British National Party leader Nick Griffin has formally apologised for Britain’s role in abolishing slavery 200 years ago.

Speaking at his party’s spring conference, Griffin described the actions of his forefathers as “heinous” and called on the government to repeal the law which brought to an end Britain’s part in the trans-Atlantic slave trade.

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