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Killing Your Gran Now Cheaper Than Ever

Letting your grandparents freeze to death is now cheaper than ever, according to the ‘big six’ energy companies.

The frustrated offspring of old fogies across Britain are celebrating the huge savings to be made from finally dispatching the elderly members of their family in 2013, after the latest series of price hikes came into force.

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Twenty-twelve: A year to remember

Twenty-twelve. So glorious. So pure. This was the year Britain came back fighting. From what, we’re not so sure.

We celebrated our monarch’s diamond jubilee, and cut those benefits so dear, to stop the scroungers getting something out of life for free.

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Sleepy Downing Street Still Not Smelling Tax Haven Stench

A payment of £10million delivered by a tax-dodging coffee company has failed to wake the British government up from its 55-year coma, sources indicate.

Officials from Her Majesty’s Revenue and Customs (HMRC) said although they were doing all they could to flex their nostrils, the Starbucks cash received last week had not helped them smell anything close to a single waft of the stench that has emanated from offshore tax havens since the late 1950s.

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Profit-Making Press ‘Against Rules Which Harm Profit’

Corporations which make money by selling news say they don’t want a new law which could make it more difficult for them to make money by selling news.

The newspapers fear legislation proposed by Lord Justice Leveson could even force them to write “boring” stories which tell the truth and aren’t full of entertaining, profitable lies.

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“Savile Should Have Been Stopped,” Says Osborne

Chancellor George Osborne had said it was “Britain’s shame” that Jimmy Savile was never stopped from ruining people’s lives.

The former Top Of The Pops viewer has been allowed to attack young people for two-and-a-half years despite being such an obviously crooked, depraved creep.

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Nobel Peace Prize Detained At Guantanamo Bay

The Nobel Peace Prize won in 2009 by US President Barack Obama has been detained at Guantanamo Bay to allow military interrogators to ask it why they’re still detaining people who haven’t been found guilty of fuck all.

The prestigious gold medallion named after Swedish dynamite inventor Alfred Nobel was discovered in Afghanistan, where Obama had left it for the last three years despite promising to take it home and keep it somewhere safe.

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Expanding the capacity of British deceit

Never has so much discussion arisen from the asking of a question to which the answer is so short and so simple and so blindingly obvious.

How do we increase aviation capacity in the UK?

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