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Michael Gove Reveals New GOVECSE

Education Secretary Michael Gove says his new GOVECSE is going to whip your children into shape, and if you don’t like it you can stay behind and meet Mr Cane.

The GOVECSE will test school pupils everyday at 9am, 12noon and 3pm on how much they know about the life and times of Michael Gove, the Secretary of State for Education and All Conquering God of Your Every Waking Fucking Hour.

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China To Blame

China is entirely to blame for concentrations of greenhouse gases in the Earth’s atmosphere reaching 400 parts per million (ppm), The Taxman can reveal.

Every last one of the 569 billion tonnes of carbon emitted since industrialisation began can be traced back to the world’s most populous nation.

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Thatcher Privatises Afterlife

Margaret Thatcher has privatised the Afterlife just hours after arriving there.

Heavenly services which provide the deceased with unlimited flows of wine, chocolate, smoked cheeses and sexual gratification are among those to have been contracted out to morally contemptuous corporations by the former British prime minister.

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The Germans are good for nothing

The Germans. Don’t you just hate them? They talk funny, they’re well organised, and then there was that Holocaust thing to boot.

No wonder everyone in Britain loathes them. Whether it’s gassing Jews, building great cars or bailing out Greece, there’s no shortage of reasons to hate the Krauts.

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Mess Left By Labour Getting Messier

The government has lost its top hygiene rating because of the huge mess dumped outside 10 Downing Street.

Britain is now rated CRAAAP and will only regain its cleanliness certificate if it finally clears up the stinking heap in Westminster, which grows bigger and bigger by the day.

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Anarchists Plan Takeover Of Britain

Anarchists have drawn up plans for when they expect to gain control of Britain in four years’ time.

A group representing the political philosophy welcomed the recent fall in economic activity and the announcement of a referendum on Britain’s membership of the European Union (EU), claiming they would be ready to take control immediately afterwards.

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Climate change doesn’t kill people. Weather does.

Alright, that’s it. Enough already. I’m bored of this now. Time to lay down a few ‘facts’ about climate change.

You listening? Well that’s your first mistake. Because I’m writing, not talking. And I’m writing hard.

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