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Capitalism, communism, or nothing

Capitalism isn’t perfect, but what’s the alternative? Surely not communism, the tired old socialist malarkey that spawned Joseph Stalin and Ed Miliband?

Don’t be silly. Communism failed really badly and lots of people were held in slavery and were worked to death. Which never happens under capitalism, obviously.


Give war a chance

Everybody’s talking about diplomacy, amnesty, treaty, democracy, unity, harmony, tea, coffee and the plight of the honeybee.

All I’m saying is give war a chance.


Conversation Groups Speechless

Awkward silences are spreading rapidly across Britain, but conversation groups are saying nothing.

The lack of banter is now so severe it threatens to make extinct several chatterbox species, including even the receptionist.


Evidence Of Foreign Invasions Found In Palestine, Korea, Japan, Vietnam, Cambodia, Laos, Dominican Republic, Panama, Grenada, Kuwait, Iraq, Lebanon, Bosnia, Serbia, Afghanistan, Pakistan, Yemen, Libya, Somalia, More

Inspectors deployed by the international peacemaking body Freedom United (FU!) say it took them less than five minutes to find “concrete, cast iron, bleedingly obvious evidence” that millions of innocent civilians have been slaughtered by foreign invaders across a large swathe of the globe.

And, although it may take more time for FU! inspectors to determine exactly who was responsible for the vicious, unwarranted attacks, several of the targeted countries have already pointed the finger at “one or other of those rich, white, Christian countries in the North West”.


Discrimination ‘Hard Work’

Discriminating against people based on their race, gender, sexuality, class or other predetermined characteristic is a lot more difficult than it used to be, a survey of elderly rural folk has found.

Being prejudiced and getting away with it now requires planning, strategy, guile and a work ethic that is beyond the capability of most stupid, narrow-minded people.


Barclaycard presents British Summer Time

Are you ready? Ready for summer? Are you hot? People, I said, are you hot?

Are you glistening with sweat, your skin reddening by the minute, your underwear reaching saturation point? Yes?


Intercepting Edward Snowden ‘More Difficult Than Phone Calls’

Intercepting actual real people is a lot more difficult than electronic communications, the White House has admitted.

Officials say that because whistleblower and fugitive Edward Snowden is constructed of flesh, blood and bone, instead of electromagnetic radiation or binary coding, he is considerably more difficult to get hold of.

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