Oil company Royal Dutch Shell will use its record-breaking £14billion annual profits to fund a revolutionary new renewable energy development.

The Anglo-Dutch corporation is the first multinational in the world to pledge its profits to the cash-burning power station, giving lift-off for a project that will use energy company EOn’s patented cash-burning furnace technology.

Transport secretary Ruth Kelly has announced a humane programme of genocide.

It follows last week’s announcement of a third runway at Heathrow Airport, which cemented Britain’s indefensible hypocrisy and set an historical precedent that will ensure the deaths of billions of people this century from the effects of man-made climate change.

Work for the carbon industry? Have right-wing views? You’re probably looking for reasons not to accept the fact that man-made climate change and its devastating consequences are largely your fault. Well look no further.

Whomever you work for, however conservative your opinions, we have all the answers you need for those awkward questions about the climate crisis.

There once was a man. He started smoking cigarettes at 17 years of age. At first, he was just seeking some cheap thrill. But it made him feel liberated, and he decided to smoke more of them.

Before he knew it, he was buying a packet of cigarettes every week. But he was still young. Soon, one packet wasn’t enough.