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Change the system, not the climate

Today, fifteen thousand humans gather at the Bella Center in Copenhagen. Ten thousand of them shoulder the responsibility of safeguarding their species from unimaginable suffering, widespread death, and possibly even extinction.

As many as 50,000 more humans are expected to arrive, elsewhere in Copenhagen, to help make sure this responsibility isn’t forgotten. Unrepresented, meanwhile, are 1.25 million other species that face similar, if not graver threats to their existence.

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Wind Turbine Objectors Okay With Pylons, PVC Conservatories, Deforestation, More

Vociferous campaigners against plans to build a wind farm in Middle England say they have no problem with 50-metre electricity pylons, nor anything else that has been forcibly added to or taken away from the rural landscape over the last 10,000 years since man first settled on this forested island.

The new windmills proposed for erection upon one of Britain’s best-loved patches of grass may provide enough clean, renewable energy to power five billion patio heaters and at least two-and-a-half billion garden water features, but the Campaign against Upstanding New Turbine Structures (Cunts) is not satisfied the suggested benefits will offset the damage to a landscape admired for its unnecessary street lamps, oversized conservatories, agricultural scarring and historical deforestation.

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We’ll all be subconsciously inclined to leave the TV on standby

Jesus. I ventured outside yesterday for the first time since I got back from China. My balls may have defrosted in March, but my mind has been buried in an iceberg of frozen coy carp since January. I ate them with chips.

Now thankfully, the nightmare of our brutish winter is over, and I am full of the joys of spring. New woman. New passport. New aquatic species imported from Portugal (they’re great at diving). Here’s your seven-day forecast.

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It’s all your fault!

Good day. This is a public announcement from Her Majesty’s government. We would like to warn you of a grave problem that must be acted upon immediately.

The matter has arisen not due to a foreign invader or shortage of resource, but because of your careless lifestyle. The problem is climate change, and it has been caused by you.

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I’m freezing my fucking balls off

Have a good Christmas everyone? Bet you’re glad you didn’t spend it chained to a mad Chinaman, locked inside a cell with nothing to eat but dog food. And I don’t mean food intended for dogs. Fortunately, my captives were belatedly hit with the festive spirit yesterday and decided to put me back on a plane to England, provided I never write another negative thing about China again and rebuke my previous report.

I have to say, there’s nothing better for an asthmatic than to breathe in some clean, fresh smog of a morning. And you’ve got to taste their dog food, it’s something else.

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Go green, buy this!

Want to continue living an excessive lifestyle of gluttony and waste, but worried about the impact you’re having on the environment? Well worry no more, because we have all the green solutions you need.

That’s right – everything you want, everything you need, everything you didn’t realise you wanted or needed, all here, and all green.

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Law-abiding citizens can be arseholes too

Why is it that the appelation ‘law-abiding citizen’ is used so widely today as a self-description, as if by doing so it should yield an aura of protection or respect?

Any legal framework is only ever as good as the system it serves. To describe oneself as ‘law-abiding’ as a means of proclaiming one’s high moral standing, therefore, is both short-sighted and dubious. Who are the real criminals anyway?

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