For decades now, an elite has championed greater liberty, at the same time as it has set about eroding it.

Its powerful mantra of the ‘free market’ is the single most destructive political ideology to have found mass appeal in the West since the 1930s.

This world is on the brink, but its leaders have decided to call it a day. ‘Two weeks in Mexico was lovely and everything, but it’s time we went home to continue oppressing our citizens.’

A partial agreement to sort of hopefully reduce global carbon emissions by an unspecified amount within an uncertain period of time without any concrete method of doing so is a perfectly acceptable way to end the 16th annual UN climate change conference for the unfairly elected governments of this world.

Today has been historic. Of all the days in British political history, today will take some beating. Because on this day, the government has pledged to solve a huge financial deficit with a massive deficit of its own.

An intellectual deficit so severe it makes George Bush look like Stephen Hawking.

British Petroleum has finally plugged the leaking oil well in the Gulf of Mexico by stuffing it full of rolled fifties.

I can’t believe what’s happening to me. Gone are the fast women, the fast cars and the fast food. I’ve started recycling, gardening and celibacy. Okay, well, I only started the latter this morning after a nasty experience with a Russian hooker, but you catch my drift. I’ve changed.

Whatever you say about Copenhagen, it was an historic moment. One I’ll remember forever. And now that I’ve seen the error of my gluttonous ways, I’m not going to let an email scandal and a few dodgy scientists get me down. The end of the world starts here.

In a land now largely owned and leased back from corporations, the role of the state could not be in more doubt.

From Thatcher to Major to Blair to Brown, the transfer of our public services to private enterprise has proceeded unabated for over 30 years. It is likely to continue, whoever wins on 6th May. But is it really important who serves us? So long as we get what we need, does it matter if the water we drink is contaminated with greed?

After two years of hard negotiations, the leaders of the world have finally come to an agreement on climate change: “Let it destroy the planet and everything on it.”

The oil, coal, petrochemical, motor, aviation, shipping, agrofuel, banking and energy generation industries have each described the Copenhagen Accord as a ‘landmark deal’ that will ‘radically change the way we all die’.