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I don’t care what my psychologist says, I hate bloody rain

Having just awoken from a self-induced coma following my overdose on anti-depressants, I am completely unaware of the last couple months’ weather. I keep asking people, but they refuse to tell me.

I’m now seeing a psychologist, who has already diagnosed me with ‘hydrophobia’, a fear of precipitation. Apparently it’s common in my profession.


Tony Blair Mauled By Pitbull Terrier

A Pitbull Terrier fatally mauled Tony Blair on his return to Britain from holiday in Florida, yesterday afternoon.

The incident occurred as Blair stepped off his plane at Heathrow Airport. According to airport staff, the dog ‘came out of nowhere’ and ‘seemed somewhat hungry’.


Fashion Victim Cautioned for Wearing Sunglasses On Overcast Day

A bin man has been cautioned by a local council for wearing sunglasses on a murky and overcast autumn day.

The caution came after a local resident made a complaint to his local council regarding the refuse lorry operative’s appearance.


Heavens above, why do you curse us with this rain?

The Taxman has finally splashed the cash and hired a meteorologist: Me, Jim Wetherman.

I shall be providing some extremely irregular seven-day weather forecasts that will hopefully provide you, dear readers, with the perspicacious knowledge required to prepare for the week ahead.


Yesterday On the London Stock Market

On the London Stock Exchange last night the crucial FTSE100 share index closed at twelve points down, amid concerns about profits in the retail sector.

In northern Canada several Inuit stopped in the middle of building an igloo to travel 180 miles to the next village and report the shocking news of the FTSE100 closing twelve points down.

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