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Anarchists Plan Takeover Of Britain

Anarchists have drawn up plans for when they expect to gain control of Britain in four years’ time.

A group representing the political philosophy welcomed the recent fall in economic activity and the announcement of a referendum on Britain’s membership of the European Union (EU), claiming they would be ready to take control immediately afterwards.


Angela Merkel ‘Stockpiling Coal’

German Chancellor Angela Merkel is believed to be stockpiling coal as part of a plan to impoverish millions of labourers across Europe.

Mountains of the fossil fuel have been spotted adjacent to each of the treasuries of France, Greece, Spain, Portugal, Italy and Ireland as Merkel prepares to win control of their money supplies.


Team GB One Gold From Solving Eurozone Crisis

Team GB is just one Olympic gold medal short of a total which would entirely recapitalise Europe’s debt-ridden banks and save the single currency from oblivion.

Victory this afternoon for Nicola Adams in the first Olympic women’s boxing final in history, plus another gold for a horse, means that Great Britain’s elephantine medal haul is now big enough to erase the contagion of fear among continental traders and return the Eurozone to its pre-crisis state of blissful ignorance.


George Osborne Refuses To Flush His Shit

George Osborne has said the hosepipe ban in southern and eastern England must remain in place – despite the fact it’s fucking pissing it down.

The Chancellor of the Exchequer vowed to ignore what was happening outside and has even added to our peril by banning the double-flush.


Volcano To House Goldman Sachs Office

Global banking conglomerate Goldman Sachs has relocated its headquarters to a new office built within a tectonic rupture of the Earth’s surface.

The extinct volcano, located somewhere on the Italian peninsula, now houses the interstellar investment bank’s brand new spacecraft-swallowing rocket shuttle, launchpad and nuclear development facility.


Caught in the middle

The battleground for the future of humanity has been clearly marked.

On one side are the masses, a vast majority of the population of the globe, armed with nothing but their own passion, energy, heart and intelligence.

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