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Clegg’s “Sorrow” for Cuts Abuse Victims

Nick Clegg says he is deeply sorry for the public spending scandal that has hit his party this year, but has vowed to continue increasing unemployment and spreading Aids around the world because “it is the right thing to do”.

Speaking at the Liberal Democrat conference in Liverpool, the defiant Deputy Prime Minister said that the government’s public sector cuts were “regrettable” but “entirely necessary” if the coalition was to succeed in ridding Britain of homosexual sin.

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Third TV Leaders’ Debate To Be Staged Inside 16ft Steel Cage

The leaders of Britain’s top three political parties will contest the third and final live television debate inside a 16-foot steel cage, under the authority of Stone Cold Steve Austin.

The move is seen as an attempt to encourage Gordon Brown, Nick Clegg and David Cameron to annihilate each other prior to the General Election on 6th May.

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Bush Passes Presidential Assassination Bill

Outgoing American president George W. Bush has passed a last-minute legislative bill allowing for the assassination of the US president from Wednesday onwards.

In his last act as commander in chief, Bush said he was delighted to offer “hope for the future” to the millions of racists, sexists, homophobes, xenophobes, millionaires, hunters, gatherers, cavemen, cowboys and fascists who have supported him during his eight-year term.

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Obama Shot JFK, Claims Clinton

US presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton has claimed that Demcratic rival Barack Obama was John F Kennedy’s assassin.

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Chavez Vows To Fight “First World” Poverty

Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez has vowed to help fight “crippling poverty in the First World” if he were to be re-elected for a third term in today’s elections.

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Join the Conservative Party!

Bored with Blair? Labour letting you down? Looking for a new political party that shares your views? Join the Conservative Party! We share everybody’s views – even yours! That’s right the Tories are back, and this time, we’re here to stay! So get in store today and see for yourself our fine new range of policies.

Feel guilty about the size of your carbon footprint? We’ll make you feel better! Our new leader cycles to work! High taxes forcing you to shop at ASDA? Don’t worry! We’ll lower them! Tired of receiving free healthcare? No problem – we’ll make you pay for it! Committed a crime? We’ll send you to jail! Until you die!

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