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GCSE Exams Now Easier Than Writing Headlines

Record GCSE results have prompted fresh concerns over the dumbing-down of school exams, with some papers now reportedly easier than writing pun-laden tabloid headlines and generic news stories recycled from previous years.

Today the GCSE pass-rate rose for the billionth consecutive year to 112 percent, with more A grades being served up than school dinners.

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High Court Rules 2+2=4 ‘May Not Be Correct’

A landmark verdict by the High Court today has ruled that the sum of 2+2=4 may not be correct and should not be taught in school as fact.

Mr Justice Wright said that the mathematical consensus did not fully support the assumption and the counter view of 2+2=5 should also be taught in primary schools, allowing children to make up their own minds as to which is correct.

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Mindless Thugs Rebuild Community Centre

A bunch of drunken yobs completely rebuilt a Gloucestershire community centre last night, in an act of mindless violence.

Between the hours of 1 and 2am, about a dozen mindless thugs descended on to the ruined remains of the Thornbury Community Centre and set about rebuilding it from scratch, using the existing foundations to construct a post-modernist structure of fine architectural heritage.

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US School Children To Be Issued With Firearms

The US government will be issuing guns to school children in a bid to curb gun crime.

Following a spate of fatal school shootings across the country, US schools will be fully equipped with a range of firearms within the next 48 hours.

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Alarm Clocks ‘Bad for Your Health’

The use of alarm clocks to wake us up in the morning may be bad for our long-term health, according to a new study.

Research into the effects of sleep disturbance has been conducted by first year students on the sleep management degree course at Bullshit University.

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Government Gets Behind Smoking Crackdown

An Anti-Smoking Squad (ASS) will be established to enforce the impending ban.

The specialist team will be patrolling our streets looking for people smoking in illegal places, such as 24-hour pubs.

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