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Parole Officer Dismayed At Prisoner’s Refusal To Reoffend

A car thief has stunned his parole officer and the prison service by refusing to commit any more criminal acts upon his release from jail.

Liam Banes has, according to parole officer Dick Jones, walked right on past dozens of insufficiently secured parked cars and not even paused to consider hot-wiring them.

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US School Children To Be Issued With Firearms

The US government will be issuing guns to school children in a bid to curb gun crime.

Following a spate of fatal school shootings across the country, US schools will be fully equipped with a range of firearms within the next 48 hours.

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Government Gets Behind Smoking Crackdown

An Anti-Smoking Squad (ASS) will be established to enforce the impending ban.

The specialist team will be patrolling our streets looking for people smoking in illegal places, such as 24-hour pubs.

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Old Lady, 103, Given ASBO

A 103-year-old woman has been given an Anti-Social Behaviour Order (ASBO) for walking too slowly.

Dozens of complaints were received about Betty Smith leisurely frequenting pedestrian crossings and holding up traffic.

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Binge Drinking Is To Blame

Britain’s cities are increasingly suffering from problems caused by binge drinking.

Our town centres have become plagued in the early hours by drunken youths out for a good time, but who frequently go too far.

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