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I don’t need to know the offside rule to know that this World Cup has been fucking hijacked

Welcome to South Africa. Once again, The Taxman have sent me packing on a trip to some random country in the middle of some random continent because, apparently, there is something important happening out here.

But what would I know about any sodding football tournament when I’m holed up here in my hotel room vomiting like a 19-year-old in a cider house on his birthday? How did they think a chronic asthmatic would feel 1,200 metres above sea level?

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Police Lock-up Civil Liberty, Throw Away Key

The Metropolitan Police today arrested our civil liberties, took them to a jail cell, threw away the key, spat in their food and mocked them while they were still within earshot.

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Law-abiding citizens can be arseholes too

Why is it that the appelation ‘law-abiding citizen’ is used so widely today as a self-description, as if by doing so it should yield an aura of protection or respect?

Any legal framework is only ever as good as the system it serves. To describe oneself as ‘law-abiding’ as a means of proclaiming one’s high moral standing, therefore, is both short-sighted and dubious. Who are the real criminals anyway?

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Mindless Thugs Rebuild Community Centre

A bunch of drunken yobs completely rebuilt a Gloucestershire community centre last night, in an act of mindless violence.

Between the hours of 1 and 2am, about a dozen mindless thugs descended on to the ruined remains of the Thornbury Community Centre and set about rebuilding it from scratch, using the existing foundations to construct a post-modernist structure of fine architectural heritage.

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Tony Blair Mauled By Pitbull Terrier

A Pitbull Terrier fatally mauled Tony Blair on his return to Britain from holiday in Florida, yesterday afternoon.

The incident occurred as Blair stepped off his plane at Heathrow Airport. According to airport staff, the dog ‘came out of nowhere’ and ‘seemed somewhat hungry’.

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Top Gear’s Clarkson Run Down By Speeding ‘Super Car’

Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson was this morning run down by a speeding ‘super car’, the Chrysler Dodge Snake, or something like that.

The driver of the vehicle was killed after he knocked down Clarkson and subsequently veered into a petrol station, dying instantly from the resulting fireball.

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