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“Savile Should Have Been Stopped,” Says Osborne

Chancellor George Osborne had said it was “Britain’s shame” that Jimmy Savile was never stopped from ruining people’s lives.

The former Top Of The Pops viewer has been allowed to attack young people for two-and-a-half years despite being such an obviously crooked, depraved creep.

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Plan B: Ill Manors

I’ve done it. After a year of gentle sucking at the teat of Britain’s Best Bank*, I’ve finally been accepted as a fully-fledged, fully-paid-up Barclaycard Mercury Music Prize judge.

None of my recommendations so far have received nominations in the 2012 awards, just over two tantalising weeks away, but I have been allowed to cast my vote at the upcoming quarterly board meeting at Barclays HQ.

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iPaedo Will Change The Way We Abuse Children, Claims Apple

Tech giant Apple has said its brand-spanking new device, the iPaedo, will revolutionise its ability to abuse children.

At the big opening of the firm’s latest must-have gadget, chief executive Tim Cook described the portable sex toy as a master “stroke” that would enable Apple to dominate the market in human rights violation for years to come.

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Fake Story Was Written By Illegal Immigrant, Claims Paul Dacre

A fake story with fake quotes reporting the opposite of what actually happened was written by an illegal immigrant whom the Daily Mail was forced to employ because he owned a cat, the newspaper’s sadistic editor has explained.

Paul Dacre, a Grade A moron with a tiny penis, said the story which reported on Amanda Knox’s failed appeal immediately after the appeal succeeded was exactly the kind of mistake he would expect a coloured person from the jungle to make.

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Wikileaks Cables: US Mocked Over Failure To Censor Wikileaks Cables

In the latest US diplomatic cables released by whistle-blowing website Wikileaks, the US ambassador in Beijing claims to be the victim of a prolonged Chinese bullying campaign because of America’s ongoing inability to silence dissidents, such as on the whistle-blowing website Wikileaks.

As site founder Julian Assange sat through another day of his extradition hearing at Belmarsh Magistrates’ Court, in London, cable 11BEIJING439 was mysteriously uploaded from an unknown location within Belmarsh Magistrates’ Court, in London.

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Tragedy Strikes Stabbing Contest

The world’s first official stabbing contest has ended in tragedy after one of the semi-finalists was hit by a limousine outside the event’s venue.

Bradley Palembo, 13, is in a critical condition in hospital and doctors say he is unlikely to ever stab again.

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