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World Leaders Finally Agree To Destroy Planet

After two years of hard negotiations, the leaders of the world have finally come to an agreement on climate change: “Let it destroy the planet and everything on it.”

The oil, coal, petrochemical, motor, aviation, shipping, agrofuel, banking and energy generation industries have each described the Copenhagen Accord as a ‘landmark deal’ that will ‘radically change the way we all die’.

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Change the system, not the climate

Today, fifteen thousand humans gather at the Bella Center in Copenhagen. Ten thousand of them shoulder the responsibility of safeguarding their species from unimaginable suffering, widespread death, and possibly even extinction.

As many as 50,000 more humans are expected to arrive, elsewhere in Copenhagen, to help make sure this responsibility isn’t forgotten. Unrepresented, meanwhile, are 1.25 million other species that face similar, if not graver threats to their existence.

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The idiot’s guide to public spending cuts

If you’re going to cut public spending to help pay off the national debt, instead of taxing those to blame for causing said debt, at least do it properly.

The Conservative Party’s idiotic plans to cut £23billion over the course of the next parliament, or £5.75billion on average each year, will make the poor poorer and the even poorer shit-poor. They’ll be freezing public sector pay, slashing benefits and privatising anything that isn’t nailed down to Whitehall.

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We’ll all be subconsciously inclined to leave the TV on standby

Jesus. I ventured outside yesterday for the first time since I got back from China. My balls may have defrosted in March, but my mind has been buried in an iceberg of frozen coy carp since January. I ate them with chips.

Now thankfully, the nightmare of our brutish winter is over, and I am full of the joys of spring. New woman. New passport. New aquatic species imported from Portugal (they’re great at diving). Here’s your seven-day forecast.

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Go green, buy this!

Want to continue living an excessive lifestyle of gluttony and waste, but worried about the impact you’re having on the environment? Well worry no more, because we have all the green solutions you need.

That’s right – everything you want, everything you need, everything you didn’t realise you wanted or needed, all here, and all green.

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Shell Oils To Fuel Cash-Burning Power Station

Oil company Royal Dutch Shell will use its record-breaking £14billion annual profits to fund a revolutionary new renewable energy development.

The Anglo-Dutch corporation is the first multinational in the world to pledge its profits to the cash-burning power station, giving lift-off for a project that will use energy company EOn’s patented cash-burning furnace technology.

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