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iPaedo Will Change The Way We Abuse Children, Claims Apple

Tech giant Apple has said its brand-spanking new device, the iPaedo, will revolutionise its ability to abuse children.

At the big opening of the firm’s latest must-have gadget, chief executive Tim Cook described the portable sex toy as a master “stroke” that would enable Apple to dominate the market in human rights violation for years to come.


Rock In Your Pocket: Gutterdub

Anyone remember when Nevermind came out and it completely changed the face of rock music?

Well, if I said that Rock In Your Pocket could come anywhere near to making that sort of impact with their new LP, I’d be lying completely.


It’s not the Scots who want to destroy Great Britain

David Cameron and his coalition government are doing everything within their power to destroy the British state.

The Conservative Party hate the idea of a big, overarching government providing lots of useful public services, and since winning back power two years ago they have pursued every avenue they could find in order to scale down the state’s ambitions.


Volcano To House Goldman Sachs Office

Global banking conglomerate Goldman Sachs has relocated its headquarters to a new office built within a tectonic rupture of the Earth’s surface.

The extinct volcano, located somewhere on the Italian peninsula, now houses the interstellar investment bank’s brand new spacecraft-swallowing rocket shuttle, launchpad and nuclear development facility.


David Goo Variety Band: World Domination

I’ve found it, I’ve finally found it! That new sound Barclaycard has been looking for! This is a band that will dominate the world in years to come, much more so than any global banking giant capable of holding governments to ransom.

And why will this, so-called, ‘David Goo Variety Band’, dominate the world? Erm, because that’s what they sing about on their debut album. And when on Earth have lyrics ever been wrong?


Caught in the middle

The battleground for the future of humanity has been clearly marked.

On one side are the masses, a vast majority of the population of the globe, armed with nothing but their own passion, energy, heart and intelligence.

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