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Emergency Services To Be Replaced By Shops And Offices

Police stations, fire stations and A&E departments will all be demolished and replaced by shops and offices equipped with first aid kits, a fire extinguisher and someone from G4S.

The government claims the buildings that house our emergency services pose a major threat to the life of Britain’s sick economy and must be sold before they cause any more damage.

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Killing Your Gran Now Cheaper Than Ever

Letting your grandparents freeze to death is now cheaper than ever, according to the ‘big six’ energy companies.

The frustrated offspring of old fogies across Britain are celebrating the huge savings to be made from finally dispatching the elderly members of their family in 2013, after the latest series of price hikes came into force.

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Sleepy Downing Street Still Not Smelling Tax Haven Stench

A payment of £10million delivered by a tax-dodging coffee company has failed to wake the British government up from its 55-year coma, sources indicate.

Officials from Her Majesty’s Revenue and Customs (HMRC) said although they were doing all they could to flex their nostrils, the Starbucks cash received last week had not helped them smell anything close to a single waft of the stench that has emanated from offshore tax havens since the late 1950s.

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Profit-Making Press ‘Against Rules Which Harm Profit’

Corporations which make money by selling news say they don’t want a new law which could make it more difficult for them to make money by selling news.

The newspapers fear legislation proposed by Lord Justice Leveson could even force them to write “boring” stories which tell the truth and aren’t full of entertaining, profitable lies.

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Plan B: Ill Manors

I’ve done it. After a year of gentle sucking at the teat of Britain’s Best Bank*, I’ve finally been accepted as a fully-fledged, fully-paid-up Barclaycard Mercury Music Prize judge.

None of my recommendations so far have received nominations in the 2012 awards, just over two tantalising weeks away, but I have been allowed to cast my vote at the upcoming quarterly board meeting at Barclays HQ.

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It’s not the taking part, it’s the winnings

After the epic Great British summer we have had, the drug of competition has got many of us hooked. We want more.

We want more sprint finishes, more dives for the line, more forehand winners, more ippons. Hell, we don’t just want to see it again, we want to do it all ourselves.

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