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Students To Be Assaulted By Ministers Daily

University students in England and Wales will have to endure a daily beating by ministers, the government has announced.

The compulsory assaults will be targeted at vulnerable areas of the body such as the head, abdomen and groin, with the aim to gradually wear down the student until they are hospitalised.

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I predict a riot

Today has been historic. Of all the days in British political history, today will take some beating. Because on this day, the government has pledged to solve a huge financial deficit with a massive deficit of its own.

An intellectual deficit so severe it makes George Bush look like Stephen Hawking.

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Tragedy Strikes Stabbing Contest

The world’s first official stabbing contest has ended in tragedy after one of the semi-finalists was hit by a limousine outside the event’s venue.

Bradley Palembo, 13, is in a critical condition in hospital and doctors say he is unlikely to ever stab again.

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Cameron Bald Patch ‘Should Definitely Not Be Used As a Metaphor’

Downing Street has warned journalists, bloggers and The Taxman‘s caretaker that under absolutely no circumstances whatsoever should the bald patch now visible on the prime minister’s cranium be used as any kind of metaphor, not even for the gaping chasm of intelligence at the heart of this new government.

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Lies, damned lies and a Liberal Con

After the election of 2005, I wrote an obituary for British democracy. Now in 2010, we are promised that things will change.

Clegg and Cameron tell us our democracy will be revived, resurrected, reformed. We want to believe them, but something’s stopping us. It’s the lies. The big stinking pile of lies.

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Murdoch Orgasm Stains British Conscience

Gallons of Australian semen exploded all over Britain today, leaving a sticky stain on the country’s soul.

Rupert Murdoch’s British media network finally let out a synchronised, screaming sigh of relief as the man they had been sleeping with for six months entered 10 Downing Street for the first time as prime minister, on Tuesday night.

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