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Jeremy Clarkson Named Minister for Road Safety

Jeremy Clarkson has been made Minister for Road Safety in another perfectly sensible government reshuffle.

The Top Gear presenter was drafted into the newly-created position at the Department for Health, where he will offer pedestrians a “refreshing new approach” to being mown down.

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Under-25s ‘Should Be Killed’

Every Briton under the age of 25 years must be slain, David Cameron has said.

The Prime Minister believes any citizen born after 1987 does not have the right to life and should be violently exterminated forthwith.

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Laziness Levels Getting Lazier

Laziness levels in Britain have risen to a 16-year high.

More than 2.6 million people of working age are now sitting on their fat arses at home watching Deal Or No Deal while eating ice cream, the Office for National Statistics has confirmed.

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Businessmen ‘Will Fly Around On Oats’

A new Orbital Astronomical Train (Oat) will be built to whizz businessmen around the Earth at 2,500mph, in a bid to make them all go away.

Eventually, Oat will extend far enough to dump office-type people on the Moon, but for the first century of its operation passengers will have to make do with the mediocrity of a perpetual geosynchronous orbit.

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It’s not the Scots who want to destroy Great Britain

David Cameron and his coalition government are doing everything within their power to destroy the British state.

The Conservative Party hate the idea of a big, overarching government providing lots of useful public services, and since winning back power two years ago they have pursued every avenue they could find in order to scale down the state’s ambitions.

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Government Vision for Greenless Britain

Great Britain will be tarmacked and covered by giant advertising hoardings that can be seen by air passengers from 30,000 feet in new plans announced by the government today.

Every last inch of green space on these islands will be sold off in a bid by the Department for Communities and Local Government to “get Britain’s economy growing again”.

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