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William Hague ‘Madly In Love With John Kerry’

Foreign Secretary William Hague has denied claims he is deeply in love with US Secretary of State John Kerry.

The Tory cabinet minister allegedly thinks Kerry is a beautiful man, both inside and out.

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Death Bill To Make Saving Lives Illegal

Saving lives will be made illegal by a new ‘Death Bill’ currently making its way through Parliament.

Anyone caught doing CPR, telling their mate to quit smoking or organising a campaign to save their local hospital will be thrown in jail under powers granted by the new law, should it be passed.

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“We Must Curb Foodbank Bonuses,” Says Iain Duncan Smith

Work and pensions secretary Iain Duncan Smith has vowed to tackle the “ludicrous” bonuses being given out by foodbanks across the UK.

Latest figures show 350,000 food parcels have been handed out to people who haven’t earned them.

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Trees are falling down on your face

This is an urgent weather warning from me. I am warning you, and all of the people you know, to be careful.

Be careful, people, because trees are falling down on your face. Nowhere is safe. NOWHERE.

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Discrimination ‘Hard Work’

Discriminating against people based on their race, gender, sexuality, class or other predetermined characteristic is a lot more difficult than it used to be, a survey of elderly rural folk has found.

Being prejudiced and getting away with it now requires planning, strategy, guile and a work ethic that is beyond the capability of most stupid, narrow-minded people.

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Michael Gove Reveals New GOVECSE

Education Secretary Michael Gove says his new GOVECSE is going to whip your children into shape, and if you don’t like it you can stay behind and meet Mr Cane.

The GOVECSE will test school pupils everyday at 9am, 12noon and 3pm on how much they know about the life and times of Michael Gove, the Secretary of State for Education and All Conquering God of Your Every Waking Fucking Hour.

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UKIP ‘Joke Started By Boris Johnson’

Moments after David Cameron said he would start taking UKIP seriously, Boris Johnson admitted the party was an elaborate practical joke he started in 1993.

The Mayor of London explained in an email to the prime minister, BCC’d to The Taxman, that the UK Independence Party had actually begun life as an editorial prank he had played while writing features for the Daily Telegraph.

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