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World Leaders Finally Agree To Destroy Planet

After two years of hard negotiations, the leaders of the world have finally come to an agreement on climate change: “Let it destroy the planet and everything on it.”

The oil, coal, petrochemical, motor, aviation, shipping, agrofuel, banking and energy generation industries have each described the Copenhagen Accord as a ‘landmark deal’ that will ‘radically change the way we all die’.


I have seen the future

For two weeks in Copenhagen, I have been listening to world leaders and environment ministers on how they intend to tackle climate change. I have also heard from leading climate scientists and environmental thinkers, for the first time in my life, on the actual extent of the threat we face.

Thankfully, this did not deny me the time to scout for Danish talent. Because the science, surprisingly, is eminently simple, and the governments of the world are astonishingly short on solutions. So taking all of this into account, I now present my first seven-decade forecast. I have seen the future.


Change the system, not the climate

Today, fifteen thousand humans gather at the Bella Center in Copenhagen. Ten thousand of them shoulder the responsibility of safeguarding their species from unimaginable suffering, widespread death, and possibly even extinction.

As many as 50,000 more humans are expected to arrive, elsewhere in Copenhagen, to help make sure this responsibility isn’t forgotten. Unrepresented, meanwhile, are 1.25 million other species that face similar, if not graver threats to their existence.


One-In-1000-Year Events Now Happening Every Friday

A millennium is now happening every seven days, weather forecasters have confirmed.

Weeks have turned to seconds, months to minutes, and in another couple of days Britain is due to receive its average annual rainfall in the same time it takes a local news reporter to put their wellies on.


We’ll all be subconsciously inclined to leave the TV on standby

Jesus. I ventured outside yesterday for the first time since I got back from China. My balls may have defrosted in March, but my mind has been buried in an iceberg of frozen coy carp since January. I ate them with chips.

Now thankfully, the nightmare of our brutish winter is over, and I am full of the joys of spring. New woman. New passport. New aquatic species imported from Portugal (they’re great at diving). Here’s your seven-day forecast.


It’s all your fault!

Good day. This is a public announcement from Her Majesty’s government. We would like to warn you of a grave problem that must be acted upon immediately.

The matter has arisen not due to a foreign invader or shortage of resource, but because of your careless lifestyle. The problem is climate change, and it has been caused by you.


I’m freezing my fucking balls off

Have a good Christmas everyone? Bet you’re glad you didn’t spend it chained to a mad Chinaman, locked inside a cell with nothing to eat but dog food. And I don’t mean food intended for dogs. Fortunately, my captives were belatedly hit with the festive spirit yesterday and decided to put me back on a plane to England, provided I never write another negative thing about China again and rebuke my previous report.

I have to say, there’s nothing better for an asthmatic than to breathe in some clean, fresh smog of a morning. And you’ve got to taste their dog food, it’s something else.

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