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Bonkers Scientists Say World Will End ‘Soon’

Batshit crazy scientists have said we must prepare for the end of the world because that’s what ‘evidence’ indicates will happen unless we act now to stop it.

Citing a modern text which portends doom based on something called ‘the laws of physics’, cuckoo geeks warn that rising sea levels will submerge many of the world’s great cities while huge swathes of forest burn and desertify, leading to the extinction of most of the planet’s animal and plant species.


Why else would they hold crucial climate talks in a country with the third-largest natural gas reserves in the world?

Apparently there was some sort of climate conference held in Qatar last week. Personally, I think it’s a good idea to put the issue back on the agenda again. Let’s face it, 2012 has been fucking freezing.

Jesus, I almost bloody drowned. So why shouldn’t we start discussing ways to start heating the Earth again? I mean, why else would they hold crucial climate talks in a country with the third-largest natural gas reserves in the world?


Expanding the capacity of British deceit

Never has so much discussion arisen from the asking of a question to which the answer is so short and so simple and so blindingly obvious.

How do we increase aviation capacity in the UK?


Jeremy Clarkson Named Minister for Road Safety

Jeremy Clarkson has been made Minister for Road Safety in another perfectly sensible government reshuffle.

The Top Gear presenter was drafted into the newly-created position at the Department for Health, where he will offer pedestrians a “refreshing new approach” to being mown down.


Healthy Planet “Financially Non-Viable”

Saving the planet would cause a new financial crisis, The Taxman can exclusively reveal.

The discovery was made by the personal assistants of world leaders at the Rio+20 Earth Summit, who wrote a secret document that we found buried under a whale carcass on Copacabana beach.


It’s great living a life of excess without worry to the consequences

I tell you what, I’m so glad climate change has stopped and there isn’t going to be an apocalypse any more. Boy, did I celebrate this reprieve in style over Christmas.

First, I bought some shares in British Petroleum. Then, and get this right, I left my heating on max all day even though I was in Chipping Norton shooting pigeons.

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