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Typhoon Haiyan Victims Thank Politicians For Agreeing To Agree Next Year To Cut Carbon In Seven Years’ Time

Millions of homeless and starving Filipinos whose homes and livelihoods were wiped out by a Category 5, 235mph super-typhoon have thanked world governments and their negotiating teams for finally agreeing to make an agreement next year to start solving man-made climate change in 2020.

The manifestly grateful victims of Typhoon Haiyan – the strongest recorded storm to make landfall – said their endless search for food, water and shelter would “soon be over” because the 19th-annual United Nations Framework Convention on Climate Change (UNFCCC) in Warsaw had made a partial deal to possibly do something to save the world at a distant future date.

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Green Peas Charged With Piracy

Russian authorities have charged 30 green peas with piracy.

The peas were campaigning against soil drilling in the Arctic when gun-toting guardeners held them hostage and seized their pod.

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Nothing that is fun can ever possibly be bad for you

Well, that’s that then. We’ve finally won the argument. The proof for man-made climate change is conclusive. Conclusively wrong.

Thank you, IPCC. You’ve shown, once and for all, that global warming is a big pile of old rubbish, burning in a completely harmless incinerator.

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China To Blame

China is entirely to blame for concentrations of greenhouse gases in the Earth’s atmosphere reaching 400 parts per million (ppm), The Taxman can reveal.

Every last one of the 569 billion tonnes of carbon emitted since industrialisation began can be traced back to the world’s most populous nation.

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A drunk Scot is no match for the brute force of a polar bear

This is an urgent weather warning. Polar bears have migrated south to the Isle of Arran in Scotland and, as I write, they are eating the residents of Brodick.

No other media outlets know about this catastrophe yet because there has been an island-wide power cut. But I promise you, it’s happening, and the bears are hungry.

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Climate change doesn’t kill people. Weather does.

Alright, that’s it. Enough already. I’m bored of this now. Time to lay down a few ‘facts’ about climate change.

You listening? Well that’s your first mistake. Because I’m writing, not talking. And I’m writing hard.

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Twenty-twelve: A year to remember

Twenty-twelve. So glorious. So pure. This was the year Britain came back fighting. From what, we’re not so sure.

We celebrated our monarch’s diamond jubilee, and cut those benefits so dear, to stop the scroungers getting something out of life for free.

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