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Intercepting Edward Snowden ‘More Difficult Than Phone Calls’

Intercepting actual real people is a lot more difficult than electronic communications, the White House has admitted.

Officials say that because whistleblower and fugitive Edward Snowden is constructed of flesh, blood and bone, instead of electromagnetic radiation or binary coding, he is considerably more difficult to get hold of.

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Gay Marriages ‘Can Take Place In Archbishop’s Closet’

The Archbishop of Canterbury has said he would be happy to conduct same-sex marriage ceremonies in his bedroom closet.

The newly-enthroned head of the Church of England, The Most Reverend Justin Welby, said that God always intended marriage to be a lifelong union of one man and one woman, unless no-one knows about it.

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Twenty-twelve: A year to remember

Twenty-twelve. So glorious. So pure. This was the year Britain came back fighting. From what, we’re not so sure.

We celebrated our monarch’s diamond jubilee, and cut those benefits so dear, to stop the scroungers getting something out of life for free.

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Nobel Peace Prize Detained At Guantanamo Bay

The Nobel Peace Prize won in 2009 by US President Barack Obama has been detained at Guantanamo Bay to allow military interrogators to ask it why they’re still detaining people who haven’t been found guilty of fuck all.

The prestigious gold medallion named after Swedish dynamite inventor Alfred Nobel was discovered in Afghanistan, where Obama had left it for the last three years despite promising to take it home and keep it somewhere safe.

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Eleven Thousand Home Office Staff Missing In Dover

About 11,227 staff from a government department are missing, presumed dead.

The Home Office employees are believed to have undertaken a 68.4-mile mass migration across London and Kent earlier today, but have not been seen since.

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The drone of London 2012

Two weeks of joy and bliss and happiness are looming upon our horizon.

All will be well and fine and good and the only thing that matters is who can run the fastest, jump the highest, throw the farthest and compel a horse to complete an obstacle course in the most elegant fashion.

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Memorial Service for 9/11 Survivors Who Endured Last Ten Years

The 2,977 people killed by terrorists on 11th September 2001 marked the tenth anniversary of their deaths today with a sombre ceremony to remember those unfortunate survivors who have had to live through the last gruesome decade.

Scarcely able to comprehend their luck at avoiding the Bush presidency, the War on Terror, the erosion of civil liberties, the rise of stringent airport security, the proliferation of media scare stories, the greatest recession since the 1930s, the Tea Party, Simon Cowell and the worst effects of man-made climate change, 9/11 victims momentarily ceased their non-stop Afterlife party to reflect on the horror since suffered by those who didn’t die in the attacks.

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