The British people have won their High Court bid to evict occupying kleptocrats from the City of London.

Laundering businessmen of the City, who protect the interests of the wealthy elite through an unaccountable plutocracy and a coterie of security personnel, have been squatting on our land since the 12th Century.

Global banking conglomerate Goldman Sachs has relocated its headquarters to a new office built within a tectonic rupture of the Earth’s surface.

The extinct volcano, located somewhere on the Italian peninsula, now houses the interstellar investment bank’s brand new spacecraft-swallowing rocket shuttle, launchpad and nuclear development facility.

I’ve found it, I’ve finally found it! That new sound Barclaycard has been looking for! This is a band that will dominate the world in years to come, much more so than any global banking giant capable of holding governments to ransom.

And why will this, so-called, ‘David Goo Variety Band’, dominate the world? Erm, because that’s what they sing about on their debut album. And when on Earth have lyrics ever been wrong?

The best way to solve a problem caused by capitalism is to smother it all over with lots and lots of more juicy capitalism, a bunch of suited politicians agreed last night.

Oh, so now The Taxman want me back, eh? To review some shambles of an award show, huh? Well screw you. Yeah, that’s right, you can turn your review sideways, shine it up real nice, and shove it straight up your – oh, wait.

Now I think about it, these Mercury Music Awards sponsored by Barclaycard aren’t so bad after all. They’re actually almost as fun and rewarding as a zero percent balance transfer deal.

Prime Minister David Cameron has marked the coalition’s first anniversary with a request for his deputy Nick Clegg to resign.

The shocking move comes just days after the Conservative Party triumphed over the Liberal Democrats with a resounding victory in the referendum on voting reform.

For decades now, an elite has championed greater liberty, at the same time as it has set about eroding it.

Its powerful mantra of the ‘free market’ is the single most destructive political ideology to have found mass appeal in the West since the 1930s.