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Angela Merkel ‘Stockpiling Coal’

German Chancellor Angela Merkel is believed to be stockpiling coal as part of a plan to impoverish millions of labourers across Europe.

Mountains of the fossil fuel have been spotted adjacent to each of the treasuries of France, Greece, Spain, Portugal, Italy and Ireland as Merkel prepares to win control of their money supplies.

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Plan B: Ill Manors

I’ve done it. After a year of gentle sucking at the teat of Britain’s Best Bank*, I’ve finally been accepted as a fully-fledged, fully-paid-up Barclaycard Mercury Music Prize judge.

None of my recommendations so far have received nominations in the 2012 awards, just over two tantalising weeks away, but I have been allowed to cast my vote at the upcoming quarterly board meeting at Barclays HQ.

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Eleven Thousand Home Office Staff Missing In Dover

About 11,227 staff from a government department are missing, presumed dead.

The Home Office employees are believed to have undertaken a 68.4-mile mass migration across London and Kent earlier today, but have not been seen since.

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It’s not the taking part, it’s the winnings

After the epic Great British summer we have had, the drug of competition has got many of us hooked. We want more.

We want more sprint finishes, more dives for the line, more forehand winners, more ippons. Hell, we don’t just want to see it again, we want to do it all ourselves.

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The Graveltones: The Graveltones

When Jimmy O of The Graveltones yells “you’ve got it but you won’t admit it,” on his band’s eponymous debut EP, the bluesy rock warbler joined a minority of vocal dissenters who have unfairly victimised Bob Diamond this week for a corporate conspiracy that was clearly not of his doing.

Mr O, like the biased media, should know full well that the Barclays boss has already admitted his firm’s culpability and has taken steps to ensure no-one can ever again find out what his employees have got.

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Rock In Your Pocket: Gutterdub

Anyone remember when Nevermind came out and it completely changed the face of rock music?

Well, if I said that Rock In Your Pocket could come anywhere near to making that sort of impact with their new LP, I’d be lying completely.

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Laziness Levels Getting Lazier

Laziness levels in Britain have risen to a 16-year high.

More than 2.6 million people of working age are now sitting on their fat arses at home watching Deal Or No Deal while eating ice cream, the Office for National Statistics has confirmed.

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