Brrrrrrrrrrrrr. I’m cold, very cold. And not just because I’ve gone six days without any action.

Britain has frozen solid and is now basically just a big iceberg off the coast of France. Does this mean I can skive off work? No, you lazy retards, I’m going to give you your seven-day weather forecast, whether or not I have to get out my shovel.

The new tallest building in the world exceeds the length and girth of the Dubai Crown Prince’s own phallus, it was declared at today’s opening ceremony.

Jesus. I ventured outside yesterday for the first time since I got back from China. My balls may have defrosted in March, but my mind has been buried in an iceberg of frozen coy carp since January. I ate them with chips.

Now thankfully, the nightmare of our brutish winter is over, and I am full of the joys of spring. New woman. New passport. New aquatic species imported from Portugal (they’re great at diving). Here’s your seven-day forecast.

Good day. This is a public announcement from Her Majesty’s government. We would like to warn you of a grave problem that must be acted upon immediately.

The matter has arisen not due to a foreign invader or shortage of resource, but because of your careless lifestyle. The problem is climate change, and it has been caused by you.

Why is it that the appelation ‘law-abiding citizen’ is used so widely today as a self-description, as if by doing so it should yield an aura of protection or respect?

Any legal framework is only ever as good as the system it serves. To describe oneself as ‘law-abiding’ as a means of proclaiming one’s high moral standing, therefore, is both short-sighted and dubious. Who are the real criminals anyway?

Transport secretary Ruth Kelly has announced a humane programme of genocide.

It follows last week’s announcement of a third runway at Heathrow Airport, which cemented Britain’s indefensible hypocrisy and set an historical precedent that will ensure the deaths of billions of people this century from the effects of man-made climate change.

Following the death of my ex-wife, I’ve been enjoying some of the finer things in life.

Short-haul flights to Barcelona, driving my 4×4, and, of course, shooting foxes. Anything to take my mind off the dark shadow soon to be cast over my life. No, not the legal dispute with my ex-mother-in-law, I refer instead to the horrid time of year known as winter.