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Transport Secretary To Humanely Kill Billions Of People

Transport secretary Ruth Kelly has announced a humane programme of genocide.

It follows last week’s announcement of a third runway at Heathrow Airport, which cemented Britain’s indefensible hypocrisy and set an historical precedent that will ensure the deaths of billions of people this century from the effects of man-made climate change.

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Help us to hide the truth!

Work for the carbon industry? Have right-wing views? You’re probably looking for reasons not to accept the fact that man-made climate change and its devastating consequences are largely your fault. Well look no further.

Whomever you work for, however conservative your opinions, we have all the answers you need for those awkward questions about the climate crisis.

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British National Party Leader Apologises For Abolishing Slavery

British National Party leader Nick Griffin has formally apologised for Britain’s role in abolishing slavery 200 years ago.

Speaking at his party’s spring conference, Griffin described the actions of his forefathers as “heinous” and called on the government to repeal the law which brought to an end Britain’s part in the trans-Atlantic slave trade.

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When’s the next plane to Mali?

Bloody immigration control. Who would have thought that the Malian government could be so authoritarian?

Next time I’ll get in as a meteorological refugee. See how they like that.

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Heavens above, why do you curse us with this rain?

The Taxman has finally splashed the cash and hired a meteorologist: Me, Jim Wetherman.

I shall be providing some extremely irregular seven-day weather forecasts that will hopefully provide you, dear readers, with the perspicacious knowledge required to prepare for the week ahead.

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Yesterday On the London Stock Market

On the London Stock Exchange last night the crucial FTSE100 share index closed at twelve points down, amid concerns about profits in the retail sector.

In northern Canada several Inuit stopped in the middle of building an igloo to travel 180 miles to the next village and report the shocking news of the FTSE100 closing twelve points down.

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