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I have seen the future

For two weeks in Copenhagen, I have been listening to world leaders and environment ministers on how they intend to tackle climate change. I have also heard from leading climate scientists and environmental thinkers, for the first time in my life, on the actual extent of the threat we face.

Thankfully, this did not deny me the time to scout for Danish talent. Because the science, surprisingly, is eminently simple, and the governments of the world are astonishingly short on solutions. So taking all of this into account, I now present my first seven-decade forecast. I have seen the future.

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War On Peace

Nato forces in Afghanistan say their next military invasion – after they have finished crushing the Taliban sometime in 2073 – will involve storming the headquarters of the Oxford English Dictionary and amalgamating the words ‘war’ and ‘peace’ into one single, bloody entry.

The operation will involve killing everyone in sight including passers-by who happen to get in the way, while urinating on any survivors.

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In the interest of keeping us poor

When the Bank of England lowered its base interest rates to 0.5 percent earlier this month, it was another small step toward justice.

This cut should be welcomed and celebrated – whatever the real motive behind it. Because, more than any other capitalist mechanism, interest rates exist to widen the divide between rich and poor.

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Credit Crunch Not As Good As Other Breakfast Cereals

Disasters of epic proportions are currently hitting the Western World regions of Wall Street and The City, with thousands of capitalist profiteers no longer wearing their suits.

In what is collectively being dubbed ‘the credit crunch’, where once there were puppet-masters smiling and dancing free atop great mountains of pretty green paper; there now lie cold, dark, empty vaults.

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Rich Nations Agree On Climate Disagreement

The G8 Summit in Japan this week has ended with a landmark disagreement on climate change as the leaders of the world’s richest nations all agreed to settle their differences at next years’ meeting.

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Mugabe ‘Not Evil Enough’

World leaders have hit out at Zimbabwe tyrant Robert Mugabe for not quite being evil enough to do anything about.

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