War On Truth
Nato launched a new military strategy this week, one they claim will redefine the way we all perceive our ephemeral reality.
The ‘War on Truth’ will attack our very state of consciousness, infiltrating our minds and skewing our rational thought processes.
“Oh yeah, this is the big one,” Nato Secretary General Anders Fogh Rasmussen told The Taxman in an exclusive interview sometime on Friday, although we’re not sure exactly when and why we ended up in a Vietnamese airport afterwards.
“When Wikileaks released those documents, they had no idea what they were getting in to.
“When the New York Times, the Guardian and that Nazi newspaper revealed the true horrors of our mission for freedom in Afghanistan, they set off a bomb.
“Now we’re about to throw it right back at them. In their face.”
On Monday, the whistleblower website Wikileaks co-ordinated the publication of 91,000 military documents detailing the truth about civilian deaths, roadside bombs, botched missions and military brutality which had previously been covered up.
“We’ll respond to this week’s revelations in the same way we respond to everything else. By declaring war. A war on the truth. A war on your mind,” continued a floating Rasmussen.
“Hiding the truth, keeping secrets, lying to you, to your children, to your goldfish. That’s what we do. We’re Nato.
“But we wouldn’t be doing this if we didn’t think it was in our best interests.
“Truth is, facts are dangerous. Statistics are shocking. Details are explosive. The truth is a weapon of mass distraction.
“Now Wikileaks has pulled the trigger, and our mission for love and happiness in Afghanistan has been horribly compromised. How can we spread hope and joy without barefaced, shameful deception?”
The Obama administration has also warned Wikileaks that if they even dream about telling the truth again, they’d better wake up and apologise.
White House spokesman Robert Gibbs explained: “When people know the truth, they start to make informed decisions and informed opinions. They act with reason and rationale.
“Imagine if we did that too. We’d never be able to plant the idea in everyone’s head that this government even has the smallest fucking clue as to how and when this ridiculous war is going to end.”
Landing safely in Vietnam, we, here at The Taxman, hit upon a great idea.
“Hey, Rasmussen,” we shouted across baggage claim. “You can try and deceive us as much as you like, but you can’t change history.”
The truth will always out.
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