Volcano To House Goldman Sachs Office
The extinct volcano, located somewhere on the Italian peninsula, now houses the interstellar investment bank’s brand new spacecraft-swallowing rocket shuttle, launchpad and nuclear development facility.
Sources indicate that the elaborate bunker will be used as a base from which Goldman Sachs can draw-up and implement a top-secret plan to save the world’s economy.
Chief executive officer Lloyd Blankfein confirmed that his cosmic company had relocated to Italy but did not specify the exact location.
“It might be a volcano, it might not be a volcano,” he told reporters, while stroking a white Persian cat.
“If it is a volcano, and if it does contain a nuclear arsenal and an army of ninjas, we will only use it to make the sovereign debt disappear. I swear.
“My advice is just to sit-back, relax, and take comfort from the fact that good ol’ trustworthy Goldman Sachs is systematically taking control of each the world’s nations, one by one.”
Blankfein, swiveling his chair 180 degrees, added: “Mwahaha. Mwahahahahaha. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.”
Italian Prime Minister Mario Monti, an advisor to Goldman, said a new law exempting the universal super bulge bracket from paying tax in the country will help it to rescue the global economy and collect rubbish in Naples.
“We will make Goldman very welcome in the homeland, very welcome indeed,” Mr Monti explained, before winking to a man stood to his left, out of view.
“If Blankfein needs anything at all, and I mean anything, all he has to do is ask.”
Greek Prime Minister Lucas Papademos also had kind words to say about Goldman Sachs, whose derivative deals helped cover-up the scale of national debt during Mr Papademos’s time in charge of the Central Bank of Greece.
“An Italian volcano? Blankfein, you dog! I’ll have to give you that tour of the Acropolis sometime. You’re going to love our plans to turn it into a casino!”
Meanwhile, back in Blighty, UK Uncut is suing Her Majesty’s Revenue and Customs (HMRC) for letting Goldman off paying £20million in tax.
HMRC‘s permanent secretary for tax, Dave Hartnett, said: “The name’s Hartnett, Dave Hartnett, but I don’t care about collecting fucking money.
“All I care about is fucking Moneypenny.”
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