Tragedy Strikes Stabbing Contest
The world’s first official stabbing contest has ended in tragedy after one of the semi-finalists was hit by a limousine outside the event’s venue.
Bradley Palembo, 13, is in a critical condition in hospital and doctors say he is unlikely to ever stab again.
The Leyton youngster had been hotly fancied to take the Britain’s Best Stabber grand prize: Five years in prison, unemployment for life and an addiction to heroin.
But on his way to warm-up for tonight’s semi-finals in Kensington, Palembo failed to spot the white limousine travelling at 65mph in a 30-zone on the wrong side of the road.
“It was his own fault,” said event organiser, justice secretary Ken Clarke.
“I didn’t put 128 impoverished teenage males into an organised stabbing contest just so they could all kill each other – although it wouldn’t have been a bad result let’s be honest.
“No, I put them in there because I wanted them to learn a little lesson of the British judicial system: It doesn’t matter how hard you try, there’s always going to be a rich fucker waiting around the corner to mow your ass down.”
But Britain’s Best Stabber is not the only new government initiative likely to end badly.
There are fears that the annual Suicide Awards could stifle growth in the office rental market, and that planned tax breaks for obese mothers could trigger a decline in fine dining.
Only last month, the first-ever Be A Bully Day backfired when 48,000 teenagers became pregnant and 15 teachers developed brain tumors.
At a Conservative Party conference debate about why the fuck is forcing the poor to move house going to solve anything other than your debased bourgeois fantasy of a proletariat mega-slum and a toff-tastic London city centre, work and pensions secretary Iain Duncan Smith was forced on to the defensive.
“Hey, if I was suddenly made redundant because this government decided to employ people who weren’t retards, I would be more than happy to start living on benefits that were below the minimum wage and failed even to cover the heating bill for my tropical fish tank.”
Asked by The Taxman whether his party was either stupid, evil or blind in ignoring the stack of evidence directly linking inequality to nearly every social ill, and in vomiting a range of nonsense policies that penetrate neither the realm of logic, nor the sphere of economic prudence, Mr Duncan Smith considered his reply.
“I think what you’re trying to ask me is whether or not I have any fucking clue as to how deranged my party is in believing that more unemployment, less welfare and reduced public services is going to help solve anything other than our goal to make your daily life more gut-wrenchingly miserable and unpleasant than it was under New Labour.
“The answer to that is probably no, but can you just wait while I double check with my policy advisor?”
Also at conference this week, chancellor George Osborne met a toilet brush with a higher IQ, and used it to clean his teeth.
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