Tony Blair Is An American Spy
National Security Agency (NSA) documents leaked by whistleblower Edward Snowden have finally exposed the true identity of the man who most people assumed had lied about Iraq, but probably not much else.
However, by conning his way into 10 Downing Street, Blair – real name Randy Berger – was able to introduce wave after wave of legislation eroding civil liberties in the UK and allowing the United States to use Britain as a treasure trove of personal data.
“Actually, this all makes perfect sense,” former home and foreign secretary Jack Straw admitted.
“We all went along with the extradition treaty and the detention without trial stuff, you know, because Blair told us we would be richly rewarded in heaven if we did.
“But, now I come to think about it, Blair never grew a beard while he was in office, despite promising he would at every single cabinet meeting.
“How could I have been so stupid?”
US President Barack Obama denied all knowledge of Tony Blair’s 50-year employment with the NSA, which continues to this day.
Obama added: “Regardless of these unfounded allegations, I wish to place on record my undying thanks, on behalf of the American people, to Agent Berger.
“We are eternally grateful, and will remain indebted to you for so long as you shall live. All praise to thee.”
According to Snowden’s leaked documents, Randy Berger grew up in El Paso, Texas, the son of two actors who taught him how to lie convincingly using hand gestures. He was hired by the NSA in 1963, at the age of ten.
The day after the assassination of John F Kennedy, Agent Berger was put on a plane to London and planted inside a boarding school in Durham, where he assumed his new identity and set about his rise to become leader of the Labour Party – a feat he achieved upon the unexpected death of former leader John Smith in 1994.
Blair’s inevitable election as prime minister in 1997 gave the NSA complete control of the British government: Its long-term strategy had finally paid off. But Britain has been paying the consequences ever since.
Previously leaked NSA documents showed Blair’s government had allowed America to store and analyse the email, mobile phone and internet records of potentially millions of Britons.
The Labour Party initially denied its former leader and longest-reigning PM was an undercover agent but has since released a statement describing Agent Berger as “the greatest, most convincing spy in history” who “remains available to hire as an after-dinner speaker”.
Agent Berger’s current whereabouts are unknown. He was last seen at the switch-on of the Christmas lights in Bethlehem last week.