Sleepy Downing Street Still Not Smelling Tax Haven Stench
Officials from Her Majesty’s Revenue and Customs (HMRC) said although they were doing all they could to flex their nostrils, the Starbucks cash received last week had not helped them smell anything close to a single waft of the stench that has emanated from offshore tax havens since the late 1950s.
The Seattle-based coffee shop retailer agreed to pay the money following outrage that it had not paid any corporation tax in the UK for three years, despite selling quite a lot of coffee in that time.
But the move failed to wake Prime Minister David Cameron and Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne. Instead, the pair continue to live out their neo-con dream of slashing Britain’s welfare budget.
Our HMRC deep inside source explained: “At first we were delighted that Starbucks gave us a bit of money, absolutely chuffed. Not only had we gained £10million, it also saved us taking their board of directors out to dinner.
“But nothing’s changed. We can’t sniff out all the tax that’s disappearing offshore because Cameron keeps coming into our office to break wind and Osborne still won’t let us take the clothes pegs off our noses.”
Conversely, the City of London Corporation has been inhaling fumes from secrecy jurisdictions ever since the Bank of England created the global offshore market from the ruins of the British Empire in 1957 – and allowed multinationals like Starbucks to direct its profits as far away from the taxman as possible.
Continued our HMRC source: “The other day one rebel from Revenue got a whiff of the profits Sir Philip Green‘s wife funnels away in Monaco on his behalf.
“But before he could follow the scent Osborne shoved a P45 up his nose and told him to ‘smell that’.”
A Starbucks spokeswoman said she’d get us a statement as soon as she’d finished drinking her grande offshoreccinno with whipped taxpayers, Swiss chocolate sprinkles and a shot of golden handshake syrup.
“Ssssssssssssshhhhhhhhh, go back to sleep, nothing to smell here,” she told us off the record.