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Planet No Longer Warming

relief for planet earth

Climate change has stopped, The Taxman understands.

The huge anthropogenic warming of the last century has ceased and atmospheric carbon is stabilising at safe levels that pose no danger to anyone, least of all polar bears or the inhabitants of low lying islands.

These conclusions were reached by The Taxman‘s expert weatherman, Jim Wetherman, who has spent the last five days gathering intelligence.

“There is supposed to be a UN conference on climate change happening in Durban this week and next,” the meteorologist explained over a cup of Victory coffee.

“But as far as I can make out by scanning the contents of the British press over the last few days, this conference isn’t happening at all.

“What’s more, a speech was given by the Chancellor of the Exchequer on Tuesday. He said climate change was no longer a priority.

“Clearly, to be the Chancellor you have to be a highly intelligent, visionary individual. I can only conclude from his remarks that the planet has stopped warming.”

Nine of the ten hottest years recorded by humans have occurred since 2000. The other was 1998. But 2011 is merely the eleventh warmest, and 2012 will probably be freezing.

“It’s a massive relief to know we’re not going to be responsible for a mass extinction event, after all,” continued Mr Wetherman, as Himalayan glaciers continued to cease retreating.

“Those pesky scientists had me going for a couple years.”

Fossil fuel-burning parties are now being planned across the globe, to celebrate the end of the warming period and the beginning of a cooler, brighter future.

A spectacular illuminations event will be held at Preese Hall, near Blackpool, where concerns had been raised about a highly dirty and dangerous new method of extracting shale gas.

Mark Miller, chief executive of Cuadrilla Resources, which has been ‘fracking’ rocks deep underground to release the fossil fuel, said it was planning to light-up Lancashire.

“Wow, this is such great news,” he told The Taxman. “We were on the verge of cancelling our financially lucrative plans to blast these rocks and extract the greenhouse gases they contain because of concerns over climate change.

“But now, well, we will carry on safe in the knowledge that by going to extreme lengths to use up the last dregs of our planet’s carbon reserves and paving the way for a colossal energy crisis, we’re not helping to melt the ice caps at all.

“And the earthquakes we’re causing sure add a new element of fear to the rollercoasters at Blackpool pleasure beach, don’t they!”

A farmer in Niger added: “Hello? Hell-ooho? Is anyone there? Can you hear us? Why are you covering your ears? Why are you walking away?

Come back!


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