Osama Bin Laden Gives Himself Up
Osama Bin Laden, the world’s most wanted man, was captured last night by allied forces in Afghanistan.
The steadfast leader of Al-Qaeda gave himself up citing concerns that Britain was intent on replacing its Trident nuclear weapons programme.
Reports indicate that Bin Laden walked up to a British soldier in Afghanistan, tapped him on the shoulder, and fell to his knees apparently begging for the UK to disarm itself.
He was then taken to a nearby military base for identification and questioning.
Although the mastermind behind 9/11 spoke only in Arabic, an interpreter at the base was able to translate as an interrogation took place. The full reasoning behind Bin Laden’s astonishing surrender soon became clear.
“My Islamic brothers have informed me of your prime minister’s evil plan,” said Bin Laden.
“It is apparent that he is determined to upgrade your nuclear weapons system, Trident, when it expires in 2020. If I had known about this in 2001, I would never have allowed 9/11 to take place.”
He explained that all of Al-Qaeda’s recent missions of martyrdom, in places such as Madrid, London and Egypt, had taken place only with the understanding that Britain would be disarming itself before 2020.
“This decision changes everything,” Bin Laden said.
“I never once considered that your leader Tony Blair could be so cunning. For it explicitly states in the holy book, the Qur’an, that all Muslims who die as a result of nuclear warfare will be damned to an eternity in hell, where they shall be tortured by 69 pregnant sluts.
“No Muslims will be allowed entry to heaven during a nuclear winter.”
According to Bin Laden, the upgrading of Trident is Al-Qaeda’s worst nightmare.
“I have no choice but to lie down before you and pray for mercy. Allah, oh almighty Allah, save us from the UK‘s new nuclear weapon’s programme, give us the strength to resist the UK‘s upgraded nuclear deterrent!”
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