Nobel Peace Prize Detained At Guantanamo Bay
The Nobel Peace Prize won in 2009 by US President Barack Obama has been detained at Guantanamo Bay to allow military interrogators to ask it why they’re still detaining people who haven’t been found guilty of fuck all.
The prestigious gold medallion named after Swedish dynamite inventor Alfred Nobel was discovered in Afghanistan, where Obama had left it for the last three years despite promising to take it home and keep it somewhere safe.
“Why has your owner not stopped me doing this to you?” yelled a US soldier as he urinated on Obama’s Nobel Prize. “I thought he’d at least give us urinals.”
News of the award’s capture comes on the same day US voters are due to decide whether to re-elect the president, or choose someone else who won’t do what they’ve said they’re going to do.
“Why are my mates still dying for no reason?” continued the soldier as he shook off the last few drops. “Why are more flying death robots being launched now than were under Bush?
“And if Obama really did win a peace prize, why is he still paying me to kill people?”
The Nobel Prize will be kept in solitary confinement for 23 hours a day at Guantanamo and will only be allowed outside in the open air on January 22 each year – marking the anniversary of the day in 2009 when Obama signed an executive order to shut down the notorious military prison within 12 months.
The last remaining British resident at Guantanamo Bay, Shaker Aamer, told The Taxman in an interview with the only media outlet that hasn’t forgotten about him how Obama’s Nobel Prize was the only thing anyone in the Cuban detention base could think about.
“At least with Bush we knew where we stood,” Mr Aamer explained. “We knew we were only being held here because we had funny names and a dark complexion.
“Then this guy with a funny name and a dark complexion gets elected and it’s like he’s toying with us. He wins a Nobel Peace Prize and then later that afternoon he flies a drone into Pakistan and blows up a school.
“Now the prize gets sent here as some sort of psychological torture, reminding us at every moment how audaciously stupid we were to ever hope that things might change.”
In the 2010 mid-term elections the Democrats on Capitol Hill lost control of Barack Obama’s thumb and forefinger, meaning the president could no longer stop himself signing laws such as the National Defense Authorization Act 2012, which legalised indefinite detention without trial, a practice used by the military since 9/11 to jail whomever they wanted.
Father-of-four Shaker Aamer has been in Guantanamo since it opened in 2002, despite even the British government saying no credible evidence against him exists. He has yet to meet his youngest son.
“I mean, come on,” Mr Aamer continued. “The most powerful man in the world doesn’t even have the power to close down one of his own army’s detention camps? Really?
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