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Nigel Farage Drinks Pint of Milk

Nigel Farage holding his beloved milkUK Independence Party (UKIP) leader Nigel Farage drank a pint of milk today, a sauce revealed.

The Eurosceptic politician apparently bought the full-fat beverage from a well-known supermarket and subsequently walked to a nearby dairy farm, where he proceeded to drink the pint in front of several professional photographers, and under the close supervision of an expert in press relations.

Our sauce, a bottle of tomato ketchup who was in the supermarket when Farage made the purchase, told us afterwards: “He went straight for the white stuff.

“He picked up one of the bottles and examined it closely before walking immediately to the check-outs, not even pausing to consider the purchase of some tea bags, or even an item of confectionery.

“To be honest I felt very sorry for the chocolate bars by the tills, they nearly always get at least a long hard glance.”

This afternoon we have been pressing UKIP to release a statement about this incident, and to our surprise, Nigel Farage himself decided to write a personal letter to us explaining his reasoning and motives.

He said: “The milk was very fresh, I knew it would be. It also had a lovely creamy top to it. I love it when you get that.

“I have always been partial to a nice pint of milk, ever since I was young lad growing up in Kent. There’s a lot of dairy farms in Kent, you see, and we would always get a pint delivered to our door in the early morn.

“Just like all the other hard-working people of this country, I find that a fresh pint of milk is the perfect way to replenish my body’s calcium deficit.

“Now I understand that other forms of milk exist, and that some people enjoy drinks they like to call ‘milkshakes’, perhaps flavoured with vanilla, strawberry or even chocolate itself, but I would like to reiterate that I am not one of those people.

“And, in particular, I always make a point of avoiding non-dairy types of milk, which are dangerous for many reasons; not least the fact that because they are white they look at first glance as if they could have come from a cow.

“I myself would be very concerned if someone who drank such non-dairy milks were to move in next door. As I’m sure you would be too.

“Please understand that I am not advocating a ban on soya, almond or rice milk, or other kinds of non-dairy milk, because to do so would clearly be wrong.

“What I am saying is that supermarkets should be prioritising ordinary milk above all others, and that milk which is white but which does not actually contain any kind of cattle excretion should be kept right at the back of the supermarket in a special fridge that can only be unlocked by a responsible member of staff.

“Now I’m sure you know the reason why this must be done as much as I do. However, it is only I and the party I lead who are brave enough to admit it in public.

“You see, not only does it carry the HIV virus, but non-dairy milk is also statistically less likely to be drunk by people who would consider voting for me.

“And that’s bad, don’t you think?”


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