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Nasal Relief for Britain’s Respiratory Population

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The coalition government has announced plans to unblock Britain’s sinuses by leasing oxygen molecules to the private sector.

Chancellor George Osborne said in his budget speech that the key to kick-starting economic growth was maximising the breathing efficiency of the UK‘s workforce.

If only we could free up some of the nation’s most blocked nasal passages, he said, employees could spend less time wheezing and more time trying to convince people to buy stuff they don’t need.

“As always,” Osborne snorted in the House of Commons, “the best way to solve this problem is to pass it on to organisations driven by an incentive to make money.

“The profit motive is the most powerful on the planet. I believe it is folly to pass up the chance of not only solving a problem, but allowing corporations to make money from that problem and thereby creating other lucrative problems in the process.

“The more problems there are, the more opportunity there is to get wealthy by solving them.”

Osborne’s plan for relieving nasal congestion in Britain’s respiratory networks is to lease individual oxygen molecules to private firms, which would take on responsibility for moving that molecule to the most economically productive and geographically contiguous living organism as fast as possible.

“We want to give everyone the freedom to choose,” the Tory chancellor explained, “between a £5 breathing charge or suffocation.”



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