Laziness Levels Getting Lazier
More than 2.6 million people of working age are now sitting on their fat arses at home watching Deal Or No Deal while eating ice cream, the Office for National Statistics has confirmed.
Levels of youth laziness have also hit a record high, validating government fears that each successive generation is lazier than the last.
David Cameron said the figures proved there was nothing he could do to motivate a generation of games-console-playing wasters who wouldn’t take a job even if it paid them £500,000 to verbally abuse subordinates and host the odd board meeting.
While on a visit to a mothballed factory, the prime minister told reporters: “We’ve created literally tens of new jobs since we’ve been in power but no one is willing to take them because the unemployed are all just a bunch of half-dead sloths whose only work ethic centres on their determination to find the most appropriate utensil for anal insertion.
“It’s the same reason employers have laid off huge swathes of their workforce. They’ve realised that most of their staff are fat and useless, so they might as well get robots in to do the job instead.
“Either that or business leaders do the sensible thing and shift their operations to harder-working centres of population like China, India or the Cayman Islands.”
Two-thirds of the increase in laziness recorded for the three months to December can be attributed to women, indicating that feminists have realised the errors of their ways and that the best place for them is in the kitchen after all.
Iain Duncan Smith, secretary of state for work and pensions, said he hoped his Welfare Reform Bill would finally solve the British laziness epidemic for good.
“This bill will ensure the stupid and the lazy are given no more money per week than would be enough to buy a kebab, a bag of crisps and a Snickers bar,” he told The Taxman over lunch at Ramsay’s.
“Personally, I am sick and tired of these wasters rinsing us for every penny we’ve got. This is taxpayers’ money and it must only be used to reward hard-working chaps such as those in the financial services industry, who, I’m sure you agree, are far more deserving of it than any of those bone-idle cancer patients, wheelchair users or single mothers.
“This is a Tory government, and, for so long as the Lib Dems let us walk all over them, we will relentlessly strain every sinew of our aching, sweaty bodies to ensure that lazy people are crushed like ants under the heels of our real leather riding boots.”
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