Killing Your Gran Now Cheaper Than Ever
The frustrated offspring of old fogies across Britain are celebrating the huge savings to be made from finally dispatching the elderly members of their family in 2013, after the latest series of price hikes came into force.
E.On is raising its prices by more than three times the rate of inflation this month, but described it as a ‘great opportunity’ for customers to cash-in on their inheritance.
One doting grandson told The Taxman: “My grandma’s annual bill is going up by 8.7 percent, so if I turn her heating off now I’ll save £100 of my inheritance for each year of her life that I will have prevented her from living.
“Which is great, because otherwise that money would have just gone straight to those greedy selfish bastards at E.On.”
An E.On spokeswoman tried to justify the price hike. She said: “As promised, the savings to be made from letting your gran die of hypothermia in her armchair while staring at a blank TV screen are now bigger than ever.
“It’s just part of the reason why so many people up and down the UK are switching to us.”
E.On is not the only member of the big six energy providers in the UK that has announced above-inflation price rises recently. Five others have done it too, including the likes of British Gas, Scottish Power, Npower, EDF and Scottish and Southern Energy.
A director from British Gas, which raised prices six percent in October before announcing a ‘coincidental’ six percent profit rise two months later, said the price increase the company had decided to make was beyond the company’s control.
He said: “Our customers will all have to pay a lot more per month to receive exactly the same service as they have been receiving since they were born.
“But what needs to be made clear is that this price rise will be totally balanced out by the savings made from not needing to use your fridge-freezer during the next cold snap.”
EDF, meanwhile, issued a statement saying the company had been forced to hike customers’ bills because no-one from the government had ever tried to stop them, so fuck it.
“What we offer is a confusingly wide range of tariffs that enables our customers to choose the most suitable method for getting ripped off,” EDF explained on its website.
“And if you still can’t find a tariff you like the look of, you could always choose not to buy gas or electricity at all.
“Your grandad will freeze to death within days, meaning you’ll finally get your hands on his vinyl collection.
“So it’s not all bad.”
Tory energy minister Greg Barker, whose party decided to sell off Britain’s gas and electricity infrastructure 26 years ago, said the billions of pounds in profits being made by our lovely energy providers was a just reward for the way they had revolutionised the industry.
Mr Barker told a dark, freezing room that may or may not have had reporters in it: “Of course the big six energy companies deserve their profits.
“Privatisation has improved the way gas is delivered to people’s homes. From being a largely pipe-led infrastructure in the 1980s, it is now mostly a tube sort of network.
“As for electricity, haven’t you noticed how much faster it is these days?
“Boy, have those subsidised energy companies earned the multi-billion-pound profits they’ve made since they were handed the energy market on a silver platter with bells on in 1986.”