Jeremy Clarkson Named Minister for Road Safety
The Top Gear presenter was drafted into the newly-created position at the Department for Health, where he will offer pedestrians a “refreshing new approach” to being mown down.
In yet more reassuring government appointments, hacking expert Rebekah Brooks is the new Secretary of State for Telecommunications and Prince Harry has been named Clothing Minister in the Department for Quiet Nights In.
Prime Minister David Cameron told the House of Commons: “I’d like to welcome Jezza, Beks and Harry to the House, where I’m sure they will all feel right at home alongside the climate change deniers, fraudsters, homophobes and Murdoch sympathisers I installed on the front bench earlier this week.
“As can be seen regularly on my eponymous Freeview television channel, Jezza brings with him a wealth of cautious driving experience to the government.”
Clarkson said he agreed to take the job only on condition that his ministerial car was a Lamborghini Gallardo Spyder and that he was given full access to Margaret Thatcher.
“Some say David Cameron once left one of his kids in a pub,” the Chipping Norton resident divulged.
“And that he appointed the ex-editor of a newspaper that deleted the voicemail messages of a 13-year-old murder victim as his director of communications.
“All we know is, he’s paying us six figures to do a job we don’t give a flying monkey shit about.”
Among Clarkson’s duties as Minister for Road Safety will be driving fast cars without looking where he is going, driving fast cars while chronically tired because he needs to get to Oslo faster than Hammond and May on a boat, and flirting with Cameron. Diaz.
While backbench Tories are overjoyed at today’s appointments, critics have called it the most psychopathic reshuffle since a pack of cards was sent to Anders Breivik, who, incidentally, has been named Minister for Multiculturalism in the Department for Race Equality.
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