Intercepting Edward Snowden ‘More Difficult Than Phone Calls’
Officials say that because whistleblower and fugitive Edward Snowden is constructed of flesh, blood and bone, instead of electromagnetic radiation or binary coding, he is considerably more difficult to get hold of.
“Yeah we hadn’t counted on this guy being made of any particles that weren’t photons,” said a spokesman.
“If Edward Snowden were an email we would have had him caught about two nanoseconds after he was sent to Moscow.
“In fact we were quite surprised because we were all just sat watching our monitors waiting for him to appear in our inbox, but sadly he never did.”
The Central Intelligence Agency (CIA), National Security Agency (NSA), Counter-Terrorism Unit (CTU), Email and Phone Interception Command Unit (EPIC-UNIT) and even Britain’s-own Government Communications Headquarters (GCHQ) are all completely baffled by the telephonic complexity and intellectual wizardry required to track down and capture a real live human being.
Cellular lifeforms, especially those with an intelligent brain or cleavage, have been “baffling” government tech geeks for decades.
“There’s a reason it took us ten years to find Osama Bin Laden,” continued the White House spokesman, remorsefully. “The son-of-a-bitch never got a hotmail account.”
In an earlier press conference, US President Barack Obama said Snowden was wanted on charges of treason, even though what he had revealed was not the truth, and even if it was the truth, all of it was completely justified.
“Security is privacy,” Obama mumbled. “War is peace. Ignorance is strength. Freedom is slavery.
“Your phone is my phone.”
In Britain, where leaked Snowden documents showed how cops have been watching us all pee for the last 29 years, Home Secretary Theresa May said problems may have begun when new intelligence-gathering guidelines were issued to the police.
“We gave them a lot of instructions on how to intrude into people’s daily lives and control the dissemination of information,” explained May.
“I regret that our instructional textbook didn’t go into enough detail about how to actually capture people. When someone gets murdered, for instance, it was never specified whether officers should hunt down the killers, or spy on the victim’s family.
“You know, I’ve been saying for years that Orwell was a crap writer – he just never went into enough detail.”
At press time, Snowden was reportedly in the queue for Wimbledon, hoping he’d be able to grab some Centre Court tickets to see Andy Murray. Sources indicate he will.