Impossible To Eat And Sleep Football, Experiment Shows
The Brazilian government spent £7billion on the sport in the hope that it could adequately feed, clothe and provide shelter for all the country’s 200 million inhabitants.
However, the early indications are that the experiment has been a catastrophic failure.
Instead of showing that it is possible to eat and sleep football, the 2014 World Cup experiment has so far shown that it is only possible to die football.
Nine workers were killed in various accidents at World Cup construction sites.
Brazil’s president, Dilma Rousseff, said she was surprised at just how difficult it was to make people forget that they are hungry and living in filth.
“It has been a long-term goal of the Brazilian government to use this country’s obsession with football to distract people from how poor they are and how few basic public services we provide for them,” she said.
“My predecessor decided that we should host a World Cup to take this concept further, and use it as a social experiment.
“Just how much money did we need to spend on football before the Brazilian people evolved to live on football, and nothing else?
“No food, no homes, no education, no healthcare. Eat football, sleep football.
“But it’s been difficult. We thought people living in the favelas would have more of an appetite for football, to be honest.
“Turns out they prefer beef. And proper bin collections.”
But Ms Rousseff maintains that the experiment could still work.
She continued: “If Brazil win the world cup, yes, I think it will work. I think people will feed off Neymar’s body odour and drink David Luiz’s urine.
“If we don’t win, however, there is a Plan B.
“In 2016 we’re going to find out if Brazilians can live off equestrian, archery and wheelchair racing.”
Social experiments conducted by governments in other parts of the world include a failed attempt to feed Germans on nothing but hate in the early 20th Century, and an ongoing 225-year American study to find out if people can live off guns.
The British, meanwhile, have been successfully dining out on the Royal Family for centuries.