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Government Vision for Greenless Britain

tesco castle, edinburgh

Great Britain will be tarmacked and covered by giant advertising hoardings that can be seen by air passengers from 30,000 feet in new plans announced by the government today.

Every last inch of green space on these islands will be sold off in a bid by the Department for Communities and Local Government to “get Britain’s economy growing again”.

Famous landmarks such as Edinburgh Castle and Stonehenge will also be converted by retail and restaurant chains, while brownfield sites will become home to skyscrapers of at least 75 stories high that will be obliged to fly giant Union Jack flags from their roofs.

Secretary of state Eric Pickles barked: “There’s too much countryside, you hear?

“I can’t believe we’ve been growing trees and plants and all that rubbish when we could have been growing the economy instead.

“We need more supermarkets, more offices, more shopping malls, more kebab shops, more pork pies, more scotch eggs, more, more, more, mmmmmmmmm bacon.”

The announcement comes just a month after the same department finished consulting on its move to erase the entirety of existing planning law and replace it with a document which demands that local councils grant permission to anything that might raise a bit of cash.

The National Planning Policy Framework had left conservationists wondering how Britain’s green spaces and architectural heritage would continue to be protected. Now they have received their answer.

Pickles, while eating a Big Mac, scoffed: “I don’t don’t give a damn about some shabby, 15th Century, thatched excuse for a townhouse. If it can’t be cheaply converted into a Tesco Express or a Miss Millies it’s got to go.

“As for the countryside, ha, you don’t seriously expect a Conservative government made up of rural-based MPs from the Home Counties to care about such green triviality, do you?

“We really, really, could not give a Peak District about your precious nature trails, protected woodland and ‘areas of outstanding natural beauty’.

“As far as we’re concerned, every square inch of land has a price tag, and it’s about time we put it all on the market.

“I want the whole world to know that Britain is for sale, and she’s well-placed to advertise your product or service to anyone who might be flying over us on their way to Norway.”




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