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Government Gets Behind Smoking Crackdown

A head up an ass

An Anti-Smoking Squad (ASS) will be established to enforce the impending ban.

The specialist team will be patrolling our streets looking for people smoking in illegal places, such as 24-hour pubs.

It will also become the forth emergency service. 999 callers will be able to report illegal smoking incidents and ASS will be there to arrest offenders in an average response time of 30 seconds.

Health Secretary Patricia Hewitt said she hoped ASS would provide a firm, all-round service.

“ASS will help us get to the bottom of nicotine addiction,” she promised.

The New Labour government also announced plans yesterday to fit every secondary school in the country with super-sized alcoholic vending machines.

It is part of a bid to train young people to handle their alcohol.

A man in a suit told us: “The government believes the solution to alcohol-related disorder is 24-hour pub opening, to train youths how to handle their drink and to pace themselves over a longer period of time.”

The idea is that instead of underage teenagers drinking out of school where they can cause trouble, pupils will be able to drink in a safe environment where teachers can keep a watchful eye on how ‘intoxicated’ they are becoming.

It is hoped this will also contribute to training teenagers on how to handle their drink, so that when they reach legal age they are able to stand up after 19 pints of Stella.

Meanwhile, ASS’s shoot-to-kill policy has come under fierce criticism after a Brazilian man was shot in the head eight times for sucking on a lollipop.

The man died later in hospital.


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